Today has been one of my worst days so far. I don't know why, but I have been in a terrible mood all day. For the first time today, I was actually angry at this cancer beast. I've been depressed, anxious, whatever, but I've never really been angry. So here's what happened today: I was supposed to be admitted to the hospital, right? The plan was to go to clinic to meet with my doctor, after which I would be admitted to the hospital. Got to clinic, met with doctor, fine and well and good. And then she tells me there has been a hold-up in the hospital admissions. Apparently there were about 13 people waiting to be admitted, and there were no beds. So my doctor said I could either go down and wait at admissions until 7 pm, when they'd have a better idea if I could get a bed, although there was no guarantee, or I could go home, and if a bed opened up, they would call me. This was at about 3 pm. I had no desire to wait at admissions for four hours, especially if there was no certainty I'd be admitted. My dad and I ended up killing time in the city because I had my group meeting tonight anyway. We went to Navy Pier, walked to the end, and it was there that I realized I was angry at the cancer. Navy Pier reminds me of the Long Wharf in Boston, and it just reminded me of everything that I'm missing. It also didn't help that I keep getting these weird feelings that I'm invisible. But anyway, so I went to group, which wasn't really all that helpful tonight. Around 7:30, my mom called to say that the hospital had called and there was a possibility a bed would open up around 8 pm. So once again, my dad and I were relegated to killing time around the city while waiting for a phone call from the hospital. We actually ended up getting lost in Chicago's south side, which is never a good idea for anyone, especially two white folks from the 'burbs. But we made it out alive and ended up back at the hospital. 9:30 pm, and they still weren't sure if there were any openings. 9:50 pm, I call admissions one more time. And wouldn't you know, they had just discharged someone about fifteen minutes earlier. Since I was literally right on campus, they gave me the bed. So I am writing this from my hospital room, tired and still slightly grumpy, but glad to be back on schedule for chemo and everything. It turns out that they were actually supposed to give this room to someone else, but that person lives in Indiana. And since I was right here, I got it instead. I'd feel bad if I thought it would do anybody any good. But it won't. Perhaps that makes me heartless, but probably it just makes me realistic. The person in Indiana will get their room tomorrow, I'm still on schedule, and the open room is being used.
As for the rest of my life, I really don't know why today my mentality decided it was going to be angry. I'm sure (I hope) that it will pass in a day or two. I think everything has just snowballed recently and hit me in the face. I desperately need to get away, and in a month, I will! So that's something to look forward to. As is the fact that the weather will be pleasant when I get out of the hospital, which means I'll be able to ride my bike. Life isn't hopeless. It's just not that great right now. But this, like everything, will pass. And for now, I've just got to muddle through it.