Tuesday, September 25, 2007

What good is a b-log if you can't use it to procrastinate?

I don't have all that much school-work to do, but I most definitely have about three loads worth of laundry. Oh well, it will get done eventually, even if I have to do it myself. Which I do.

It occurred to me that in my last few blog posts I may have sounded either somewhat elitist or judgmental of pretty much anyone who isn't me. I would like to clarify that In No Way do I feel higher or more special than anyone else. I wish so badly that this hadn't happened to me and that I was just another college-age girl ready and able to drink and dance and party and stay up past 11:00 at night without starting to fall asleep. The thing is, I am not. According to Aristotle, one wishes for an end that is often impossible to achieve. So instead of wishing for the end, one needs to deliberate and make decisions that will provide the means to the end (see, I'm kind of studying...). Basically, wishing is no good because there is no action or effort towards achieving the end. You need to go out and do things to make yourself happy, which to Aristotle is the ultimate end, the highest good, which we all innately seek. So while I can wish all I want that I could do normal activities like stay up late and work out in the gym, the reality is that I can't, at least not now. And more power to everyone who can do those things. The thing for me now is to figure out with what means I can work to achieve my own sort of happiness. The first step is to stop sitting here thinking about what do I do now. I just do whatever I have to to get through each day.

And speaking of getting through each day, I am so out of shape, it is funny. I played flag-football last night (we almost won. sigh.), and it was a ton of fun. But I woke up this morning and was like, wow, sore legs, where did you come from? Sore abs? You too? I think sports like that will be the best way for me to get back into some sort of running shape. It's stop and go, so I can run a little bit and then stop and catch my breath. And football is awesome. Another reminder that I was inactive for almost nine months is that my neck and back are sore from hauling my bag everywhere. The good news is that even since I got here September 1st, I am already so much more active and strong. I lost probably about 30 pounds worth of strength in my legs and maybe 15 in my upper body. But it is coming back, which is freaking awesome. Aside from this whole "no blood" thing, I feel great and healthy and am looking forward to a good last week of being 20. (my birthday's next tuesday. coughcough.) Alright, Happy Tuesday, sad toad. Keep on trucking. Peace.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Hello new week.

My apartment-mate and I finally have internet. We have actually had it for a few days now, but I haven't had too much to say in terms of anything that would be interesting to anyone else. Wednesday I went to Dana-Farber once more, and, once more, my blood counts were too low to begin the chemo. My platelets had actually fallen even more, but my white cells had begun to increase. My doctor estimated it would be roughly two weeks before we could continue, but I am going back this Wednesday to have labs drawn.

It occurs to me once again that this b-log serves a number of good purposes, not the least of which is that it helps me remember what happened so many months ago. I honestly can't remember any specifics just off the top of my head. Everything is sort of a blur of hospital-house-clinic imagery. One thing I re-learned just now is that I have unofficially been in complete remission for almost nine months. Apparently I had a biopsy/aspirate done a few weeks into treatment, way back in December, and everything was gone. This in and of itself was and is awesome; it meant I responded quickly and well to the initial induction chemotherapy. I can't help but wonder, however, if it wouldn't be possible to just stop treatment now. I mean, I only have two more separate days of chemotherapy left... Will they really make that big of a difference, considering I have been in and stayed in remission since December? I know the answer to my question is, "Of course you need to finish it." I am on a set protocol; I am a member of an extensive study. They wouldn't just let me stop. Nonetheless, I will continue to wish.

As for an update on my adapting to society, it isn't going tremendously well. I received an e-mail from a family friend who was able to verbalize what I couldn't: "you've just got more quickly -in the space of a few short months- to a point that most people only reach well after they graduate." I realized that I really do not know what to do right now because it all happened so quickly. Like I said, the past nine months were a blur, but now I am back and nothing is the same. So what happened to me, and how do I apply what I went through to everyday situations? Also, my emotions are all over the place, particularly because I am still dealing with treatment and the day-to-day uncertainty of my health. The good news is I think I am going to try and start seeing a counselor at Dana-Farber, someone who is trained and experienced in working with cancer survivors. I was at the grocery store today, and one of the headlines on the trashy magazines was, "Jessica sees a therapist!" or something similar. Jessica being Jessica Simpson. To me, that is not gossip. So many people see therapists now that it really isn't gasp-worthy anymore. Good for her for seeing a therapist. And we'll see how it goes for me. Also, I am going to get a massage because Dana offers alternative therapies in addition to the usual chemical ones. I am all over that. I hope this is a good week; I hope good things happen for everyone. That's all from me. Pax.