"I can't walk (jump...) up six stairs without my heart pounding like a maniac. And when I stand up, I get these super cool black-outs. Oh well. Hopefully I'll get a blood transfusion tomorrow, or Monday at the latest. But either way, I think having blood and not having to worry about it mysteriously disappearing is what I am looking forward to the most when this treatment is finished. I can't wait to be able to run again, to be able to jump out of my chair without needing to grab on to something solid for balance."
It is definitely fair to say that having blood is one of the perks of being healthy. I haven't had a "super cool black-out" in just about two years. Finally, I am able to run again. My old-self would probably be pissed at my now-self because it has taken me so long to get consistent with the running, but hey, me, it's been a long road and full of setbacks. (My old-self was a little harsher and more demanding of itself.)
So here I am on October 15, 2009, in the same place physically but in such an entirely different place mentally, emotionally, and all the other -allys. I still love the blues, still need the blues to satisfy that part of me that craves, well, the blues, I guess. Aside from the music, though, very little is the same. Actually, everything has changed, as well it should have, considering the events of the past three years.
I want to make sure it is clear that while I may be unsatisfied with where my body physically is at this point in my life, namely, living at home, I am happier with myself than I have ever been in my life. I am more in love with living than I have ever been. Part of that is definitely attributable to the anti-depressants I started taking about a year ago, but mostly it is that I have grown into myself. I hope my post from a few posts ago didn't make anyone think I am sitting around moping or depressed or anything like that. If anything, I am frustrated and angry that I haven't pushed myself harder. I am scared out of my mind about the future, but I guess I neglected to mention that I am also So Freaking Excited about the possibilities ahead. We all question our past and our past decisions, to some extent, and for me, that involves wondering if I would be here had I not gotten cancer. But those thoughts are totally useless and, indeed, tend to be super destructive. So I'm trying not to go there. Instead, I am here. I am here, but I am a totally different person from the me who was here 2 and 1/4 years ago, and I am pretty damn happy with who I am now.
So that's what's up on this rainy Thursday night in the suburbs. Life and reality get me down sometimes, but I'm human. It would be strange if they didn't. So I'm sorry if I brought anyone down with me last week. It is what it is, and tomorrow is a new day. Smile and muddle through. Peace, love, and blues riffs all around.