Friday, May 18, 2007

This is important!

I feel I should make this public: I feel great. Not like, oh man, I'm tired, but I have enough energy to move from my bed to the couch; not like, oh man, I think I could walk to the park down the street; and definitely not like, oh man, I feel like sitting in my backyard watching the robin attack the chipmunk (which he does. It's amusing.). But really, I feel just about normal. I think most people expect me to be somewhat weathered or ill-looking, and there is a small level of surprise when they see me and I look like anybody else. I know it must be difficult to visualize my life right now, despite my excellent descriptions of everything (haha). If you're reading this from halfway across the country and you haven't seen me since December or longer, you have probably formed a general mental picture of me right now. Whether I'm thinner or fatter or yellower or paler or possibly somewhat taller is up to you. Possibly I'm wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, just sort of lying around, trying not to freeze. That wouldn't be wholly inaccurate, although I can't remember the last time I wore sweatpants. For the most part though, I'm doing a bad job at playing the role of a sick kid. I am desperately trying to be Caroline-trendy, which is pretty different from trendy-trendy, but I like it, and I think I'm succeeding. I still do my push ups and crunches; gotta keep that six-pack. And, right now at least, I'm pretty sure my blood counts are all normal, so there is no extreme paleness going on. And like I said, I feel great. The fatigue of the past few weeks is all but gone. Tomorrow I am going back to my highschool again; it's my dad's reunion. So it's going to be a great weekend as well. And don't worry about me. If you saw me on the street, I know you would be thinking, "Oh man, who is that hot chick walking my way?" You wouldn't think, "Dude, that chick totally has cancer." That's what I imagine anyway. Next week when I go back in the hospital, we can all have a little sad-Caroline time, but for now, live in the present, and join me in enjoying it. That's all. Have a wonderful weekend. Pax.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

mango juice + Caroline = happy.

I recommend its deliciousness to everyone who is looking for something a little different from your morning orange juice. I can't believe it's already Wednesday, almost Thursday. I honestly haven't had all that much to report, which is both a good and a bad thing. Good because it means there have been no terrible cancer-related complications, but bad because I fear I might be disappointing my loyal readers who check back daily for an update. But then again, summer is just about officially underway, and I'm not sure whether my readership will shrink or not now that most of my friends won't be sitting around trying to do anything except their homework... Gah. I am sitting here, trying to put coherent thoughts together in my head that I can then type out, but I am having some serious trouble with it. I'm not sure if I'm just tired or depressed or dumb or what, but something is blocking the smart part of my brain from working. Mostly I am succeeding in writing really long sentences, but that's about it. So before I go and type something grammatically horrendous (if I haven't already), I should probably stop. Oh but briefly, my hair is comb-able now. Well, close enough. I have hair, and it's exciting. Too bad I'll lose it again in about three weeks. Oh well. Alright, I'm going to go to bed. Have a splendid Thursday. Bulls game 6!! Go Bulls! Peace.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Another weekend over?

I haven't done much of anything these past few days, so I haven't had much of anything to write about. Most significantly, on Friday, I chose to stop the Campath. I figured that the benefits would not outweigh the killer side-effects. So I have spent Friday, Saturday, and today trying to get back whatever energy I had. It's slow going. This stupid drug has honestly worn me down more than anything else I've had so far. I suppose it could have affected me so strongly because I have already gone through three months of treatment, in which case the next three months won't be much better. But I think all this is the fault of the drug. So no more tri-weekly injections. I have to go to clinic tomorrow to get blood drawn, but then I don't have anything until the 23rd, when I have a bone-marrow biopsy. I'm just glad this is over.

On another note, I would like to send a shout-out to my mom. Today is Mother's Day, and while it is yet another highly commercialized and saccharified (totally a word!) holiday, the idea behind it is noble. Basically, despite all the strife and mother-daughter issues, I don't know what I would do without her, especially now. She moved me out of Boston. She is (along with my Dad - who is also indispensable) doing all the insurance stuff, which is grossly ridiculous. The other day, when I was too exhausted to really do anything, she helped me clean my room. Oh yeah, and she works a full-time job, and she occasionally does laundry. I know that tomorrow I will probably go back to my bitter and ungrateful self, wishing only that I could be anywhere but here. Right now, however, I acknowledge that I am indebted to my mother. There is nothing I could do to repay her. Except for possibly to do my own laundry sometimes. And the moral climax: thank your mom for putting up with you. I certainly thank mine. Enjoy the week. Hugs and spinal taps, Caroline.