Thursday, May 10, 2007

I have reached a small crossroads.

Some people say that life is a road. Whether you live life with the destination in mind, or if you opt to live for the journey, is something that conflicts most people at one point or another. I'm not sure which dictum I subscribe to yet. I live in the present while thinking about where I'm headed. And I'm scared of what's ahead. I don't know what is going to happen to me tomorrow, much less five or fifty years from now.

But tomorrow. Tomorrow began yesterday. Yesterday, my white blood cell count was too low for me to receive my Campath injection. I received a hydration pack and the rG-CSF shot to help my counts come back up. I also saw my doctor. She told me that everyone is a little worried about me. Apparently, my reactions have gone above and beyond what is normal for this injection. My white cell count was not supposed to drop, especially into the neutropenia levels. So I was sent away from clinic with instructions to keep giving myself the growth-factor shot, drink lots of water, and come back on Friday. Today, Thursday, I grudgingly went to my volunteer job. Grudgingly because, basically, I felt like... well, I didn't feel well. Anywhoo, so I got home from work, ate some foodings, and settled down for my Thursday-night primetime. About 1/4 of the way into Grey's Anatomy, my doctor called. And she posed to me this option: I can choose to stop the Campath injections. The doctors are worried about how badly this is wearing me down, and they don't want me to get sick (haha). So she said I can stop it. No more tri-weekly chills and fever, no rashes, no unwelcome fatigue. But stopping it means I am stopping one more means of killing the cancer cells. What my doctor told me is that Campath, they think, works on the microscopic level. It kills any cells that may be invisible and hanging on, the ones that come back in five years, recurring in my spinal cord or brain. So do I think in the now, or do I consider the long-term consequences? The other thing is too, in terms of long-term, is if I do get sick or infected, that will delay my treatment. And, depending on which infection I get, I could just up and die now. Or option B may leave me with cancer cells floating through me, hiding behind bigger cells. So that's my dilemma. I'm leaning towards stopping the drug. I still have three more months of treatment, so there are plenty more opportunities to kill the cancer, hopefully. And right now, aside from getting an infection, my biggest concern is getting back to school in September, healthily. Anyway, so that's one of the many issues I've been tossing around lately. Hopefully everyone else's week has gone a bit more smoothly than mine. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Strength would be nice... Alright, peace.

1 comment:

Megan Amanda Steffen said...

Neutropreggers Caroline is no good. Don't get an infection, please.

I am not sure if it will amuse or dishearten you, but I just thought I'd let you know that I spent the majority of tonight amusing myself by watching people struggle to open the door because it was so hot that the metal lock's shape changed just slightly. It was very, very satisfying.

Happy Friday! I am done with finals in 15 and a half hours!