Tuesday, May 8, 2007

And now for a little Perspective.

I have been in a relationship with cancer longer than I have with any guy. None of my previous so-called "relationships" have lasted much longer than three months. And now here I am, stuck with this most unwelcome suitor. It's five months today. It's not really a big deal in terms of tracking relationships. Usually it's the six-month anniversary that calls for a card or a chocolate rose or something. But for me, every month is significant because it is one more month that I have knowingly lived with cancer.

Lately, I have been thinking too much about relationships. Obviously, I am single. And I know there's nothing wrong with not being with one person for longer than three months. I mean, I am still only 20. In ten years, I'll be worried. But this current relationship I'm in is seriously hindering my ability to forge other relationships. As a 20-year old, I'm supposed to be getting wasted on the weekends, hooking up with some random guy, shaking off regrets and laughing at it the next day. Or my romantic ideal: reading in a coffee shop when someone approaches me who turns out to be not random or regret-worthy at all. Not that either of those have ever happened to me (coughcough), but we all maintain foolish ideals. Basically, I fear I'm missing out on a crazy, fun life where I can make mistakes but not be held accountable for them. I know I'll be back to school eventually, but it will be different even then. I am forever marked by cancer. The mark is invisible, and most people won't know unless I tell them, but I know it's always there. Meh. This Campath is messing with my head. I'm being overly self-pitying because pretty much all I've done the past few days is lie in bed; I've felt like crap. Once I get out and moving again, these silly musings will pass, and all will be well again. Until then, another shot tomorrow! Woo! I'm interested to see how the reactions will be. Look for an update. Peace.

4 comments:

Megan Amanda Steffen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megan Amanda Steffen said...

I like how I can do math. As in, I seriously thought it had been six months. Awesome.

And everyone is always held accountable for their mistakes, no matter how old they are. They always come back to bite you in some way or another. I'm probably missing out on this crazy, fun life, too.

Jessica said...

That's right!! Everyone is always accountable whether it is cosmic/ karmic accountability...or the kind which leads to severe mononucleosis at the end of a summer of hardcore debauchery...and let me tell ya, the accountability part ain't so great no matter what shape it takes. Also, people aren't having as much fun as you think they are. I think just about every young person thinks that other people their age are having more fun than them.
I do know one thing for sure: no one has more fun than we do in Canada bitches!!! :)

kev-kev said...

caroline, trust me, you aren't missing out...making out with random guys at parties on the weekend just isn't fulfilling and by sophomore year, it's pretty much lost all its excitement anyway, so please don't fret.....UNLESS IT'S YOUR GUITAR! KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN!

Guitar nerds need not apply,
Love,
Kevin