Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The dashboard melted, but we still have the radio

And now, today, Tuesday, we begin again. When I started this blog way back in December, my goal was to keep my friends updated on how my treatment was going. That is still partially my goal, but it has expanded beyond that. However, I will elaborate on my new goal in a later post. Today, I want to talk about yesterday. So in December, I promised myself that I would keep this thing honest. I wasn't going to sugar-coat my experiences, no matter how difficult they were. I may crack jokes or take things lightly, but I am telling you what happens, exactly how it happens.

Yesterday, I was depressed. The past two weeks have been extremely hard on me. Between being held in the hospital an extra week, not knowing when I was going to leave, not being able to go outside, and having to postpone my highly anticipated trip to Boston, there were a good number of reasons to get upset. But for the most part I was holding up alright. So I had to go to clinic yesterday to give blood. Not a big deal; it took maybe twenty minutes total. After that, I was planning on spending the rest of the day downtown. My dad and I went to Navy Pier for lunch, and then we walked down the pier. And that's when I realized that pretty much everything I want to do, I can't. I can't get a job on a tall ship that takes visitors on an hour-long sail along the lakefront. I can't go for a half-day bike ride, also along the lakefront. I can still take pictures, but aside from my own enjoyment, I have no reason to. Basically, it is just extremely hard for me to resign myself to so much inactivity. There are so many things I want to do! I know I've said this before, that it is hard to adapt to doing nothing when you're used to being active twelve plus hours a day. The thing is, usually I accept this. I've been doing it for four months; I'm used to the restrictions. It's just that every once in a while, something happens or I go somewhere or I see a bunch of happy people who remind me that I'm different. And that's difficult sometimes.

So, I'm not trying to complain. I hope, whoever is reading this, that you don't think I'm complaining. I'm just trying to explain that there are days when the hardest part of cancer has nothing to do with the medical procedures. Every day is a battle to keep a positive outlook, to remember that things will get better. And on that note, things will get better, and I'm off to get blood drawn once again. Happy Tuesday, sad toad.

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