Monday, December 8, 2008

I feel like there was something important I was going to say here....

Oh right.  Two years.  Two years and a whole lot of pain.  Two years and a whole lot of anger, frustration, depression, fatigue, drive, motivation, happiness, life.  Two years and life.  Two years and so much growth I don't think I would recognize the person I was two years ago.  Two years and I am still scared.

I found out I had Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia two years ago, yesterday.  Two years later and it is almost finished.  Two years later and I am sitting in Starbucks, freaking out because I have so much work to do and I don't know how I'm going to get it all done.  So, instead of doing it, I am blog-posting...  hmm.  But no, really.  I am tremendously overwhelmed right now.  I have been completely and necessarily unproductive pretty much all semester.  I just sort of "got by" because I was in too much pain or uncertainty or exhaustion to do anything else.  And now I have two essays, a poetry portfolio, a final project, and a website to complete in 48 hours.  It's funny how the entire semester has caught up with me in the past week.  Last week, too, I spent pretty much all day, every day, working.  I know most of my friends are in the same boat.  We are all so close to finishing up this semester.  It's like we are standing on the edge of a cliff, literally right on the edge, ready to jump and fly, but there is something, a rubber band, a harness, whatever, something is gripping us around our stomachs, squeezing out our air, holding us back.  We can see the end of all of this, but we aren't allowed to touch it yet.  Frustration-central.

And then my final scan is next Wednesday.  I am praying so hard that it is my final scan.  I spent yesterday eating way too many cookies and convincing myself that the tumor isn't actually gone and the headache I have been nursing isn't because I'm tired or over-caffeinated but is a result of the tumor growing back.  Yesterday kind of sucked, actually.  But today is a new day, and I will get all my work finished.  We all will get everything done; it just happens, somehow.  And in terms of my tumor or leukemia, well, all of this happened for a reason.  I don't know what the reason is yet, but I know there is a reason.  There is a purpose behind my still being here.  Two years ago, I could have not gone into the student health center.  I could have finished my semester, gone home thinking I was just tired, could have slept over winter break, could have come back to school, and then who knows what.  Died?  Yeah, I could have died.  I probably would have died.  Funny story though.  I didn't.  I am still here, for better or for worse.  I am going to keep on being here, and whatever happens, will happen.  Life will happen.  Hell, life Is happening.  So that's something.

Finally, shameless plug:  I actually have mostly kind of finished one of my assignments.  My website.  I am putting up the link - again, for better or for worse - in case anyone wants to follow my photography past and my photography future.  I plan on keeping it up and updated while I'm in DC next semester.  Warning: it's still new, so don't judge too hard.  I guess that's about it.  For all of its completely ridiculous and frustrating complications, life is pretty exciting.  I hope everyone can smile about something today.  Peace from my new home that is Starbucks.

(p.s., the date says it's yesterday because I started this post yesterday.  But today, right now is actually Tuesday.  k, thanks.)


Megan/Yuping said...

omfg your tumor is not giving you a headache your ridiculous lifestyle is just like how hemophilia is not giving me nosebleeds the dryness is.

I think we both need to chill out and write papers together all night. Call me?

Also your rubberband metaphor made me feel really nervous about suicide? And also reminded me of the time my friends all went bungy jumping in China?

Megan Tritcak said...

I think Megans will unite in all such aspects of this post!

you are not having tumor induced headaches

and we need to ahve group study/work time

i however am not freaked out by the rubber band metaphor, unless you are contemplating jumping, that would not me cool.

Sushruta said...

I feel sorry for what has happend to you.I hope you will see the face of success & victory soon.There's problem in everyone's life but you need to stay calm & steady.I know, it's hard to say but we can atleast try right ?

Just hang there tight.There will be some positive ray of light sometime somewhere.Best of luck.Stay happy always & let others smile. :)

James B said...

Hey Caroline the end of the Semester is almost over! Rejoice soon!

Wow you never lose your sense of sarcasm! I am impressed.

I hope the NW ice storm didn't get ya too bad. Its snowing crazily outside in Chicago today!