Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Dear Lay's Sour Cream & Onion potato chips:

You are so bad for me, and yet, you are so delicious. I am not even hungry right now, but I can't help but eat you. Thank you for adding a little bit of hydrogenated sunshine to my otherwise unsaturated world.

In other news, I have had a mostly unpleasant past four weeks. Why is that, you ask? Well, I will tell you. Four weeks ago tomorrow, I received my monthly chemotherapy injection. At the same time, my doctor upped my pill-chemo just a little bit. Two days after my injection, I started to feel a bit under the weather. Six days after my injection, I got a fever and was certain I was going to kick my bucket as I was curled up in the fetal position under all my blankets and two sweaters. One week and two days after my injection, I found out that I tested positive for Influenza A. Hooray! Worth noting is when I was tested for the flu (a nasal flush. not as fun as it sounds), I found out my white cell count had plummeted. I was not neutropenic, but I was immuno-compromised to the point where I was advised to stay away from people and their germies. Also, and this conclusion I drew myself, I could not fight any viruses! I know this chemo stuff is supposed to make me all better for ever and ever, but, I swear, it is only making me sicker.

I have tried to stay away from ranting in my blog. There is nothing constructive about complaining, especially when it is to a general audience that probably doesn't want to hear another person's gripes and moans. That being said, this past month has been terrible, and today was sort of the tipping point. Also, this is my blog, and, snap, I do what I want. So today, I was forced to concede that I cannot do everything, and every once in a while I need to ask for help. Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of experience doing that, so I sort of mucked it up, which only made things worse in my mind. You may possibly be wondering what I am talking about. I am talking about how earlier this afternoon I asked one of my professors for an extension on a ten-page paper we have due this Thursday because I haven't been able to finish the damn thing on account of my being so sick and exhausted. I have never asked for an extension on a paper in college (that I know of, and my incompletes don't count). I absolutely did not want to do it now, but I know that if I had tried to finish the paper these past few days, I would have only exhausted and stressed myself out more, which probably would have made me sicker, which would have most likely been not a good idea. The worst part of all of this is that I didn't explain this to my professor. I just sort of walked into his office awkwardly, asked him for an extension, and when asked why, responded, "well... I've been really sick lately... and I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow and will be sicker for the next week or so... I just need until Tuesday." I felt like such an idiot, but I didn't want to explain everything to him. I don't want cancer and chemo to be my fall-back excuse. Chemotherapy is kind of a valid reason, I guess, for an extension, but I am proud. I don't want to admit when my treatment debilitates me. Anyway, who knows if he believed me or not. He granted me a week extension for the paper, which is ample time, but I still feel like an idiot. I seriously left his office and burst into tears, which I then had to wipe away because I needed to work on another assignment, and then I had to go to his class and take notes about shield laws for journalists.

In summation: chemo is the devil because it causes your immune system to crash, which in turn causes your body to pretty much have a constant cold (or flu), which in turn exhausts you, which, when added to the standard pressures of college and mounting pressures of the last six weeks of school, makes for a lot of stress and a long few weeks. Phew. And that is my rant. Thank you all so much for humoring me; I feel much better now. Well, mentally. I am still hacking up pleasant green goo. The good news is that it is almost Spring... It's so close I can taste it. Things can really only get better with the arrival of warmth and flowers and abundant sunshine. To everyone suffering with me through these long, wet and cold days, take heart: you are not alone, and these days are nearing their end. That is never all I have to say, but that is all I will say today. Peace.


Wellhonestlynow said...

Heres the thing: Cancer is the reason you can't be Superwoman and get it all done! Admitting that it affects your life doesn't give it any power...just makes your life a little more sane. So props for asking for help but just be honest about the "whys". Because there is no shame in it all...

And hella love to the Lays!

Megan/Yuping said...

Caroline. I just want to give you so many hugs.

You are allowed to rant, you are allowed to ask for help, you are allowed to eat lays, you are allowed to do whatever you want, Caroline, and it is a testament to either your character or lack of sanity that most of the time you do not (well, except for the whole lays thing).

I miss you. I just finished writing you a postcard, but I've lost your address because I'm kind of a disaster and so is my room (as I'm sure you can imagine). Email it to me maybe? And email me with anything else that may be on your mind maybe?