now it's real.

I'm scared and lonely and my hair's starting to go. I thought I'd be fine. I thought I'd got myself psyched up for this. But when you start pulling pieces of hair from the back of your head, when you bring your hand forward and you're holding dark brown strands of fine hair that never got sun-bleached by summer, that's when all this becomes real. It's only just beginning. It will only get worse. They're going to have to shave my head. I don't want to have to pull it all out or wait until it falls out. I'm scared. I'm going to be so bald. And yes, fine, okay, whatever, I can wear hats. But I've never worn hats without hair before. I keep telling myself, "It will grow back. This is temporary. It might even grow back curly!" But 6 months is a long time. And I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't worried about my appearance. I'm way too self-conscious; most people know it to be true. I just like to deny it. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. And for, let's see, the 20th year in a row, I won't be kissing anyone at Midnight. Not that it matters. It's silly that I even worry about it. But I do. Because that's me. Confident in myself in everything I do, except for that one thing. Oh well. I'll get by. I don't have a choice. Also: if anybody would like a lock of my hair, I will be auctioning them off on e-bay, antique silver locket included. haha. Joke.