I'm not very original.

I was going to use as my title the line, "Well, so this is interesting." But you know the little thing that comes down when you start typing letters in a box? Yeah, well, mine remembered that very same phrase, meaning I have used it before. Sheesh. But actually, this is interesting.

So I was watching Grey's Anatomy tonight. I know, it's not the most healthy show for a person who spends a substantial amount of their time in the hospital, but whatever. Anyway, so tonight on the show, they had to do a bone-marrow biopsy. I don't know how those medical shows do their surgical thing, but I doubt they're actually performing the procedures. But they showed the big needle going into the hip bone and the doctor starting to drill down. Standard biopsy fun. The weird part is, I started getting teary-eyed. I sucked it back though, and was fine after a minute. This whole situation hasn't exactly made me more emotional. It's just really weird for me to see people going through the same procedures that I endure. And I know it's just television, and the whole thing was probably fake, but I also know how much biopsies hurt. And I was reminded that in less than one week, I will be getting another one, for real. It's strange: when I'm lying on the hospital bed, waiting for the first needle stick, it's like I disassociate myself from the situation. I get through the biopsies and the lumbar punctures and all of the needle sticks and the pills by mentally distancing myself from my body. And I just realized this now, as I'm typing. I guess it's a coping mechanism. But when I'm not being prepped for needles and such, when I'm watching someone on T.V. or thinking about what will happen in a week, I can't become emotionally unattached. So I guess that's why I almost started crying. It's so different, the anticipation versus the actual event. The anticipation is ten times worse. Anyway, well, now my thoughts are all jumbled, and I fear that what I have said makes little or no sense. Eh. Either way. That's what was interesting about my day. It's always a good time when you have deep realizations about yourself. Alright, peace.

How do you see Yourself?

With cargo pants, arm warmers, and a bright green Grateful Dead scarf.
Everything that you see is who I am and who I choose to be. Now who are you?

The dashboard melted, but we still have the radio

And now, today, Tuesday, we begin again. When I started this blog way back in December, my goal was to keep my friends updated on how my treatment was going. That is still partially my goal, but it has expanded beyond that. However, I will elaborate on my new goal in a later post. Today, I want to talk about yesterday. So in December, I promised myself that I would keep this thing honest. I wasn't going to sugar-coat my experiences, no matter how difficult they were. I may crack jokes or take things lightly, but I am telling you what happens, exactly how it happens.

Yesterday, I was depressed. The past two weeks have been extremely hard on me. Between being held in the hospital an extra week, not knowing when I was going to leave, not being able to go outside, and having to postpone my highly anticipated trip to Boston, there were a good number of reasons to get upset. But for the most part I was holding up alright. So I had to go to clinic yesterday to give blood. Not a big deal; it took maybe twenty minutes total. After that, I was planning on spending the rest of the day downtown. My dad and I went to Navy Pier for lunch, and then we walked down the pier. And that's when I realized that pretty much everything I want to do, I can't. I can't get a job on a tall ship that takes visitors on an hour-long sail along the lakefront. I can't go for a half-day bike ride, also along the lakefront. I can still take pictures, but aside from my own enjoyment, I have no reason to. Basically, it is just extremely hard for me to resign myself to so much inactivity. There are so many things I want to do! I know I've said this before, that it is hard to adapt to doing nothing when you're used to being active twelve plus hours a day. The thing is, usually I accept this. I've been doing it for four months; I'm used to the restrictions. It's just that every once in a while, something happens or I go somewhere or I see a bunch of happy people who remind me that I'm different. And that's difficult sometimes.

So, I'm not trying to complain. I hope, whoever is reading this, that you don't think I'm complaining. I'm just trying to explain that there are days when the hardest part of cancer has nothing to do with the medical procedures. Every day is a battle to keep a positive outlook, to remember that things will get better. And on that note, things will get better, and I'm off to get blood drawn once again. Happy Tuesday, sad toad.

I guess there's always something.

Today was a good day. Lots of family time; my brother's birthday is coming up. Yet again, I had a delicious brew at a restaurant in Milwaukee. And there were no negative side-effects or hallucinations, which is always a plus. I have also consumed a goodly amount of chocolate this afternoon. I devoured the entire cranial section of a chocolate bunny; I also had hot chocolate as an evening snack. Chocolate is still delicious to me, but I find that I can't tolerate as much of it as once was my norm. I suppose that's good though; the last thing I need is to be eating whole chocolate bunnies in one sitting. So that's the good news.

The cancer-news is that I am currently experiencing bone pain, in conjunction with joint pain. It's actually really weird: when I cough, I can feel my leg and arm bones twinge. The other side of my elbow, which I know has a name, but I can't remember it, is the primary location of the joint issues. It's not debilitating, it's just really weird. Apparently though, this is not unusual. It just means that I will not be taking my growth-factor shot tonight. My nurse explained to me that I might feel bone pain. The G-CSF shot is great because it helps raise white blood cell counts. However, it causes your marrow production to kind of go on overdrive with the cells. So right now, I guess my marrow is either producing too many white blood cells, or it is producing them too quickly. I find that ironic. I have cancer because my marrow wasn't making any white blood cells, and now it is making too many. Thanks bones, thanks. But the nurse told me to just take a few Tylenol and go to bed. It should be gone in the morning. So pop pills and head to sleep, I will. Enjoy Marathon Monday if you're in Massachusetts. Otherwise, I hope everyone has an agreeable Monday anyway. Do something silly or random to make yourself smile. I'll be spending the day downtown. Peace!

Another fun-filled day of.... fun, I guess.

I ran lots of errands today; it was a good time. I also went to Coldstone's for ice cream; it was an even better time. It's good to be back on chocolate. I was fine walking around, which was nice. I guess my strength hasn't been affected as much as I thought. I'm tired now though, so I know I'll sleep well tonight. And thank God too. This past week has been the ultimate example of, "I couldn't sleep last night." Hoorah for the hospital.

I know everyone is wondering, "What was she talking about at the end of her post yesterday?" Well, please, let me fill you in. My doctor wants me to home-infuse with hydration packs for the next four days, including today. My kidney functions were returning to normal when the discharged me, but the hydro-packs are just to ensure I continue to get a good amount of fluid in me. So my home care nurse Bonnie came today. She's pretty sweet. She actually said to me, out loud and unflinchingly, "Ain't no thing but a chicken wing!" I was like, "No, you did not just say that." But she had. Anyway, so the hydration went well. I know this because for pretty much the rest of the day, my bladder has been full and giving me grief. I mean, come on vital organ! I just emptied you. Not again. So that was fun. Here's the really fun part of my day though: I get to give myself shots now. "What type of shot, Caroline?" you ask? It's a shot that helps my white blood cell counts increase. It's called Neupogen, or rG-CSF. "What does that stand for, Caroline?" you also ask? Well let me tell you! It stands for "Recombinant Granulocyte Colony Stimulating Factor (rG-CSF) derived from E. Coli." That's right, every day I get to stick a needle into my leg, bevel-side up, and inject into my thigh-fat a derivative of Escherichia Coli. How freaking cool is that?? I was so excited when I read that on the wrapper. Yet again, add this to the many instances where you are unbelievably jealous of me. I think I may have given myself the shot slightly incorrectly, however, because my leg started bleeding a little bit. It's not really supposed to start bleeding. I guess my legs are just too beastly. Ha. 'S anyway, that was my Saturday. I can't wait to see what adventures tomorrow brings. As always, pax.

It's 10:30 pm... Do you know where your children are?

Luckily, I don't have children, so the above question is not an issue in my world. I do, however, know where I am... Sitting in my comfy chair in my living room! That's right folks, the kind people at the hospital have finally released me. So thank you to everyone who may have been thinking happy kidney cell thoughts with me. My chemo levels are still a bit high, but they are dropping. Also, my white blood cell count has improved, and my kidneys seem to be back to normal. The main reason they discharged me is because my white cell counts have increased to a safe level. I still have to go back to the clinic on Monday and Wednesday to have my blood drawn, but that is a small price to pay. And the sun was shining today for the first time in a while, so there is not much else I could have asked for.

So here's an interesting little blurb that may or may not provide some more insight into the type of person I am. I'm assuming that it is normal, when you are forced to eat only certain types of food for a period of time, to crave food items you haven't had in a while. My dad told me about one time when he and some co-workers went to China, and when they returned to the U.S., at least a few of the other people bee-lined to McDonald's. In fact, I feel like McDonald's is often the first place people go when their food has been restricted or different for a while. So, okay, McDonald's. Greasy burger patties, limp buns, greenish lettuce, flaccid fries... I get why people would crave it. It's the quintessential American meal. Anyway, so, my food has been severely restricted for the past ten days. And do you know the first thing I wanted to eat once out of the hospital? A grilled chicken panini. I actually ended up getting a chicken sandwich with tomato, basil, and fresh mozzarella, although it wasn't grilled. Does that make me strange? I would like to think it means I have a more sophisticated palette. Either way, my first out-of-hospital sandwich was delicious; I have no regrets. And that is about it for me. I have a home care nurse coming tomorrow to teach me how to give myself the hydration packs, and I will also be shooting myself in the thigh with a needle, but more on those when they occur. Things to look forward to! Happy Weekend, even though I'm bummed I'm not in Boston. Oh well. Peace.

Thirsty Thursday anyone?

I don't know about all of you, but I am super thirsty. Even though they have me on a 24-hour drip, I am still drinking water like a fish. Sadly, I have yet to sleep with my eyes open. Other than that, and since I know everyone is anxiously awaiting my daily updates, yes, I am still in the hospital. I'd say maybe tomorrow I'll go home, but I have been saying that for the past week. So maybe not tomorrow. Ooh, reverse psychology! I am running out of things with which to amuse myself. I'm leaning towards bringing back Popsicle-stick art. Eh, but then I'd have to deal with the glue, and there's always the problem of what do you do with the inevitable five or six sticks left over. Do you throw them out? Can you perhaps make a small chimney for your little house? Do you use them to flip things at whomever may be sitting across from you? I'm going to go with the latter. I am also going to stop mindlessly blabbing on, as much as it amuses me.

The only other thing is that I have a nasty cold, for real this time. It's fun because when I inhale through my mouth, I can hear/feel the phlegm rattling around in my chest. Mmm, phlegm. My doctors aren't too concerned about it though, and I haven't gotten a fever, so I am not infected with anything either. I guess I just need to wait this out. In the meantime, I'll be yelling at my left nostril. It is blocked, completely. It's actually really annoying and not the least bit amusing. But oh well. That's all for tonight. Tune in next time to find out, "Where in the world is... Caroline San Diego." I'm betting on a hospital bed at the University of Chicago. Keep fingers crossed for a surprise! Pax.