Hello again!!

I am understandably quite upset that I still have no internet and therefore have very few opportunities to document my life for the masses. And, as is to be expected, I have volumes to document. Not really, but enough for at least a couple paragraphs.

Not much has happened medically since I last updated. In fact, nothing at all has happened medically since I last updated. I am still going strong with the blood I received last week, and I will find out tomorrow if my other counts have gone up. I am hoping they have. A whole lot has happened, however, in terms of my readjusting to society. I had been absent from a college environment for almost nine months. In those almost nine months, I went to two parties with people my own age (one was a disappointing Super Bowl party), I went to two concerts, and the only young adults I saw on a consistent basis were also cancer survivors. My experiences have been drastically different from most other people my age, although they were not necessarily any better or worse. Breaking up with your boyfriend is no less important than whatever I went through; it is just completely different.

The thing is, since my past nine months have been so abnormal, I have grown in a different direction than most people around me. I knew I would be changed when I got back to school, but it is difficult for me to objectively analyze the magnitude and the mental effects of having had cancer, since it happened to me and is still happening, really. Someone said to me the other day, "You're really weird." I was like, "What, I'm weird?" I don't think that person meant weird in the sense of being nutty and kind of out there (which I have always been), but more in the sense that I am somehow different now and that person couldn't really define why. I think basically what it comes down to is that I no longer have a tolerance for all the facades many people assume. Also, I have become much more blunt with what I say, which is both good and bad. I am doing a terrible job of explaining this, but again, it's because I can't verbalize what happened to me.

I got cancer; I left school; I survived (am surviving) chemotherapy; I have experienced really obscure types of pain; I have been more exhausted than I thought possible; I was in a hospital room for probably at least one-third to one-half of that time. Somehow, I found the strength to get through it all when I thought I had used up most of my reserves of strength when I survived high school (no, really. High school was so difficult for me). Now here I am, back in Boston, so happy to once again be living normally and with people. Clearly, I am changed, but I can't say exactly how. All I know is that I feel out of place at parties where cheap beer flows like water, drunk freshman girls are looking for attention, and drunk older guys are looking for the shortest skirt and the lowest shirt. That may be harsh, but that's the sort of thing I can not and will not deal with anymore. I have only been back in Boston just over two weeks, so it is going to be interesting to see how the rest of the semester progresses. Will I re-adapt to the college social norm? I sincerely hope not. But something's gotta give somewhere.

Oh, the other thing is that someone tells me at least once a day that they like my haircut and I look really good with short hair. To which I laugh and say thank you. But it's a pretty sweet boost. Anyway, take care, and feel free to e-mail me (cbridges86@gmail.com) or comment if you have any insight into the ridiculous life of Caroline. Enjoy Wednesday. Peace.

Wow, it's been a long week.

I last updated my life's adventures on Monday, I believe. Well, now it is Friday, and a whole lot has happened in the days between. Tuesday wasn't that exciting. I worked; I didn't have class; I probably napped. Wednesday, however, was the day of my first appointment at Dana-Farber. I found my way to Dana-Farber with time to spare. (I took a train, but you can also bus it, or take a different train, or you can walk. I walked home.) So first off, I walked up to the New Patient side of the reception desk. The nurse asked me if I was a patient new to Dana-Farber; I replied affirmatively. She then asked my name, which I gave as "Caroline Bridges." To which she replied, "Oh, Caroline! You've finally made it. Well, it's good to meet you." I am pretty sure my shock was fairly visible, but I took the papers she handed me and headed over to Phlebotomy to have my blood drawn. (haha, phlebotomy.)

In brief, blood was drawn, time passed, and I was eventually led to one of the examining rooms in the back where I would meet my new doctor. Blah blah blah, I meet my doctor, he's really nice, very intelligent. He asks me some general background health questions -- no I don't smoke; no I don't drink (although I want to); yes I do drugs, oh wait, you mean like hardcore drugs; no I don't do those. All in all, I am in good general health. Oh but wait, there's one small snag. My white blood cell count is extremely low. Still?? Yes. Still. But this time, my red blood cell count has fallen, as well as my platelet count. Basically, all blood cell-related counts have dropped (plummeted?) since the last time I had labs drawn, Two Weeks Ago. At this point my doctor went to go perform a spinal tap and then call my doctor at U of C to see what she had to say about my counts. He left me sitting in the examining room, wondering why in the holy hell had my counts not come up in the four weeks since I last received chemotherapy. Again, in brief, he eventually came back and said that they would redraw my labs, but I was to come in the next day for a blood transfusion and a bone-marrow biopsy.

Enter Thursday. Well, before we enter Thursday, let me just say that Wednesday evening was one of the more stressful evenings I've ever muddled through. Pretty much the whole time I was thinking to myself, "It can't have come back. There's absolutely no way it could have come back!" After which I would either cry or punch my pillow. Because, although unlikely, it could have come back. Okay, so Thursday. I went in for my blood transfusion, which went very well. And then it was time for the biopsy/aspirate. As usual, it always sounds worse than it really is. This biopsy was definitely one of the fastest I've gone through, and it wasn't really that painful. Okay, so I go home. I nap. A few hours later, I get a phone call from my doctor. Turns out, the preliminary lab results showed Absolutely No Sign of Any leukemia cells Anywhere in my marrow. Hooray! He told me that my body must just be extremely sensitive to the chemo I had gotten, as well as these pills I was taking that are low-grade chemo. So he took me off the pills, and we're hoping that perhaps things will start to grow within the next week. I go back next Wednesday to find out.

And now it's Friday. I think I understand why doctors recommend not going to school while still undergoing chemotherapy. I couldn't concentrate on anything the past two days, I was so worried about what was wrong with me. It was a reality check that I am still not out of danger yet with this chemo business. I am still neutropenic, and everyone is still worried about the many things that can go wrong. But I will be healthy eventually, and for now, I am just so grateful that I continue to not have cancer. Anyway, thanks for reading this if you read all this. Enjoy the weekend. Peace.

"your lack of internets is seriously cramping this blog's style."

For this I apologize. I hope some people are still reading this thing, because I am by no means finished writing it. I have just been dealing with a lack of "internets." Hopefully my apartment-mate and I should be getting wireless this week, after which I will be much more regular with my postings.

For now though, I will say what little I have to say from the computer lab at BU. I am waiting for my homework to print, and the wait is close to forty-five minutes, which means I have some time on my hands. My life has been awesome and busy and a total, happy mess these past few days, but not much of it has had to do with my having cancer. I am completely moved into my apartment, and yesterday I did my first bathroom/kitchen sweep and clean. I even fixed the toilet all by myself. Score one for the mechanically inept. I have returned to my job at the gym, working fourteen hours a week. And let me tell you, I love being back to work. I mostly don't remember where anything is in the gym, such as where the women's bathrooms are, but there are other people around for those things. It feels so great to be back around people, especially people my own age. I swear, I've been so deprived, every time a guy walks by I think, "You're cute. We should get coffee." Even if he's not cute and I've stopped drinking coffee. It's really the principle of the thing. Speaking of principles, my classes are pretty good. I haven't found it at all difficult to transition back into learning-mode. I suppose it helps that I only have ten hours of class a week and no papers, just reading and photography. My kind of assignments. But basically, that's what I've been doing: the same mundane things most other kids my age are mucking through.

But as we all know, I am still getting chemotherapy for acute lymphocytic leukemia. I haven't had chemo in a few weeks now, but that may all change come this Wednesday. My appointment at Dana-Farber was finally scheduled and confirmed for this Wednesday. I was under the impression that this was just to meet my new doctor and get labs drawn, but per an e-mail from my Chicago doctor, it looks like there's a possibility that I will be admitted on Wednesday. I mentioned before that Dana-Farber isn't following the protocol that I am on yet, but they said there would be no problem in treating me. I guess they still need to iron out a few of the details, such as my doing the treatment outpatient and beginning it on a Monday or Tuesday. I am sure it will work out for the best, although, honestly, I am willing to take whatever if it means I will finally be receiving treatment. Otherwise, that's about it for now. My paper still hasn't printed, but I'm feeling optimistic. Have a good week, and don't give up on the b-log! I will be back. Peace.

And now for yet another random location...

I am sitting in the computer lab in the library at BU, typing away and chuckling at the people who came at a bad time and are now tiredly waiting for the next open computer. Anyway. I have returned. My apartment was a bit of a grease-ball, but my parents (Thank God!) took it upon themselves to clean everything. I called my landlord this morning, and he was like, "No. Your apartment was cleaned. I came and checked it myself." But we must have drastically different ideas of what "clean" is because my apartment was by no means "clean." I would go so far as to call it "filthy," if not at least "dirty." I don't have classes on Tuesday, so I've just been phone-calling and running around trying to put my new life together. I am super excited.

A few small issues have arisen regarding my transferral to Dana-Farber. Apparently it's much more complicated than just calling Dana-Farber and saying, "Hey, I'm on my way. Give me drugs!" Many people are involved, and many e-mails and faxes have been exchanged; many more will be so. But I think it will work out, and hopefully, one day, I will finish this treatment. I think the biggest delay is that Dana-Farber, while a member of the group of hospitals who are part of the study that I'm in, hasn't actually started following the protocol I am on. It shouldn't be a problem for my treatment, but it is a bit of a groan for the doctors involved. I know everyone will figure it out though, and my doctor called me and told me that the docs at Dana-Farber are still looking forward to meeting me and treating me. So awesome. Anyway, that's about it for now. Classes start tomorrow for me, and I can not wait. Also, I don't have internet at my apartment yet, so I will update the next time I get the chance. Take care and happy September! Hooray for back to being busy. Peace.

Betcha can't guess where I am.......

I am in Buffalo, New York. No, really. I actually am. Specifically, I am in a room of a mildly skeazy hotel on the outskirts of Buffalo, New York. Why, you ask, am I in Buffalo, New York when I should be in my comfy bed at home, sleeping off my still nasty cold? Because I, with my parents, am on my way to Boston, Massachusetts! What?! you say? Yes, that's right. Yesterday, Thursday morning, I found out that once again my white counts are too low to continue with the chemo this coming Tuesday. So instead of waiting around another week and a half, moping and doing nothing, I thought, "Well, hell. Can't I just go to Boston, say, tomorrow?" I called my doctor and we agreed that it would be a good plan to drive to Boston, tomorrow (today). And here I am, about halfway there, with a Jeep more stuffed than a pimiento olive, and a nagging suspicion that I forgot something. I have all my pills... I have my neupogen... I have myself... I have a bed and mattress, rolled into the back of the car... I have way too many clothes. I guess that's it. We'll see anyway.

So come Tuesday, I will be starting classes along with the rest of my school. Except that I personally don't have any classes on Tuesday, but it's the idea of the thing. I guess I'll actually start class on Wednesday. I am excited, although granted, I am growing more concerned about my white cells. I am also not quite sure how the logistics of transferring all my medical records to Dana-Farber will work out, but I suppose I will deal with that when I need to. Otherwise, hoorah! I never thought the day would come, but I am finally on my way back to Boston. Enjoy the holiday weekend, and I'll update on the Beantown as soon as I can. Peace!

Photos always make me happy...

I would like to share these photos from my most recent Adventure! in downtown Chicago. Hopefully they will make you happy too.

Here is something we all can relate to.

I have a cold! A cold that is eating my soul. Given the staggering number of antiwhatevers that I am taking, I have no idea how I caught a cold. But catch one I did. The good news is that I must have enough white cells to fight it because I haven't gotten a fever, and I haven't died yet. What happens tomorrow, however, remains to be seen. I don't think this will delay my chemo though, which is also good news. I distinctly remember coming down with a cold once when I was in the hospital, and everyone just sort of ignored the fact that I sounded like a man and continued on with the administration of chemotherapeutic drugs. So, alright! Rock on.

Aside from the typical stuffiness and head-pounding associated with colds, I feel pretty good. I am beginning to pack up all my stuff for Boston. I should be in my apartment two weeks from today! Hoorah. I have, so far, plenty of kitchen utensils, a few plates, and some silverware. I do not, as of right now, actually have a bed. But I have received word that my mattress pad from last year is awaiting my return. So I might be sleeping on a foam pad under a blanket of forks in two weeks, but that's okay. I am still super excited (and apparently a strong supporter of sibilance). I just need next week's chemo to go swimmingly. And on that note, have a happy hump day and whatnot. I'm going to get me some sleeps. Peace.